On Living with a Partner for the First Time
Little did he know, he was moving in with a baby in an adult's body.
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Two weeks ago my partner Mijael and I moved into the same apartment. Atop its old floors that creak like the metro with every step, we’ve conceptualized different layouts, made temporary order from the chaos of our things, and laid down a bare mattress to watch movies after long nights of dancing. All of these things I expected, especially the chaos. What I did not expect was to experience one of the most sought-after spiritual events the world has to offer: rebirth — into a baby.
As a born again baby, miniature feelings of desperate upset creep around my stomach, crawl into my heart, and exit my mouth like a soft, stale fart: No; Not right now; What?... Can you help me… wHaT? WHAT? ok, I mumble in the monotone attitude of a child, unwarranted and deserving of a WWE smackdown. Like a robotic vacuum with three settings, I hum around the space we share, shifting between three modes: loving partner, demon baby, and apologetic adult.
Loving is my natural setting, at least, that is what I hope (if readers disagree, eat sh*t I hear you, I see you, and I understand that you’re wrong). If physical touch and words of affirmation were gifts to be handed out, I’d strive to be Oprah, waving around my gratitude cannon the way dog owners gloat photographs no one asked to see. Yet, over the past two weeks, a familiar wave of irritability has drifted in and out of my conscience like a summer storm, one that reminds me of being an adolescent, incapable of taking responsibility for whatever sparks my frustration. Hence: Me an hour ago, getting mad at Mijael for putting the mango gomitas in the same jar as the cacahuetes, because obviously, OBVIOUSLY gummies make peanuts go stale. DIDN’T HE KNOW THAT!! WHY IS HE TRYING TO RUIN MY LIFE!!!!?
Being upset over arbitrary things is, to put it plainly, embarrassing. And it only becomes more embarrassing as our brains mature. When I was a teenager, I lacked the emotional intelligence required to understand that a) there is no reason to take anything personally, b) people are different and, for the most part, want each other to be happy, and c) being sensitive towards something does not mean you are the victim of it. At my age, knowing all of these things, I am left dumbfounded when I find myself irritated by something small (or nothing at all). Most of all, it confuses me how or why I entertain the frustration, directing it towards my partner, since it is something I never do with my friends, nor myself.
Earlier today I Googled “why am i annoyed at my partner after moving in together reddit,” which brought some questionable relief in the form of solidarity, seeing that many people are asking, and have asked, the same exact question. My suspicions were correct, in that everyone found themselves swirling in a stew of similar emotions, reminiscent of how they felt amidst old family dynamics. As teenagers, we often encounter angst in the face of our parents. Hormonally, physically, and emotionally, we are stunted, adrift in an awkward stage of evolution, attempting to push our roots out of the soil and define who we are, separate from the surroundings we grew up with.
Of course, I am not a teenager. But this is the first time I am sharing space with a partner that resembles the vulnerability I shared with my family growing up, which gives reason (reason, not justification) for why it ignites an odd feeling in me when I find myself telling Mijael where I’m going, or what I’m doing, or that I am working right now and can’t talk. It gives context to why maneuvering around each other like a pair of coked-out figure skaters in our tiny kitchen, or spending an entire day in the same room, sitting on the same couch, because none of the other rooms in the apartment are furnished yet, births the familiar flame of adolescent angst.
After decades of not coexisting the way I am now, my mind and body struggle with compensating for the difference between living as a singular unit and sharing life with another person. Over the past two weeks, I have attempted to squeeze my old life into new surroundings — allotting the hours within each day as I used to when I lived alone, expecting to feel how I have this past decade, as opposed to noticing, and appreciating, the subtle differences that a new chapter brings. In some aspects, my opposition to this change is rooted in the firm desire to never lose myself.
From a young age, I felt a natural tendency towards connection, towards the warmth of knowing people, pleasing them, and sharing space and time. However, this tendency often left me attached — to friends, family, and romantic interests — absorbed by their desires to the point that I stopped thinking, doing, or living for myself. A large reason why I developed a strong sense of independence as a teenager was to ensure I became my own person. For this reason, living with a partner scares me. I want to make sure that we both continue nurturing our independent lives: our friendships, our families, and, most importantly, our selves, alongside the life we build together.
When fear or discomfort goes unprocessed, the demon baby flashes its teeth. It seems that the most embarrassing parts of ourselves, including demon baby mode, surface around the people we feel the safest with. Perhaps it is because we expect them to stay around, or because we know they will not discern our behavior as a judgment of our character, all of which is ridiculous, because the people we love most, with whom we share our most vulnerable selves, deserve the best versions of ourselves, not worse. I want to be patient, loving, and kind, not irritated, annoyed, and anxious. I want to build a home where thoughtful moods and actions are the dominant narrative, and our words brighten the room. The thought of Mijael feeling bad about putting peanuts and gummies in the same jar, while somewhat comical, shames me into remorse.
I am excited that we get to witness the small corners of our lives that feel big: how excited he gets when a package arrives, how he talks to himself in little voices around the house, how he thinks I make the bed the wrong way (but I will keep making it that way until I die). That is why I vow, from hereon, to not feed the demon baby it's demon food, and instead calm it with a hug, a pat on the back, and a self-directed “you’re doing great!” No matter how awkward it may be at times, I will embrace it, for rigidity, on its own, only prevents growth.
In metamorphosis, caterpillars release their familiar shapes in exchange for something new; soft cells shift into a cocoon and old skins shed into the painted wings of a butterfly. I strive to approach change the same way: When I feel something uncomfortable, I will observe it, sit with it, and see it for what it is. I will communicate its nature to myself (and, if need be, my partner), because, beneath my youthful looks, I am a strong, independent baby adult.
Capy Corner: The Xanax of News 🙂
For once, some good news — helping us be a little less stressy and depressy! Here’s a roundup of some wins in cultural diversity and representation for queer, BIPOC+, and womxn-identifying communities around the globe:
California's newest senator, Laphonza Butler, is the first openly queer senator and the second Black woman to represent the state - ny times
Governor Gavin Newsom appointed Laphonza Butler, president of Emily’s List and a former labor union leader, to fill the U.S. Senate seat left vacant by the death of Dianne Feinstein, who served for three decades. Butler will be the first openly L.G.B.T.Q. senator from California and the second Black woman to represent the state after Kamala Harris. She is set to serve until the November 2024 election, and while she could run for the position, she has not stated any intention to do so.
A new approach to public defense is overcoming mass incarceration - new yorker
After his high-school graduation, Mohammed Sanogo was arrested and faced the potential derailment of his promising future. However, his case was taken up by the Delaware public defender's office, which was part of the pilot program for Partners for Justice (P.F.J.), a nonprofit aiming to revolutionize the public criminal-defense system by adding advocates to work alongside defense attorneys. These advocates help present a holistic view of the defendant, addressing underlying socio-economic issues, and offer assistance in areas like housing and social services, thus providing a more comprehensive defense for clients, ultimately leading to better outcomes both in court and in life.
The largest dam removal in history stirs hopes of restoring California tribes' way of life - la times
Two decades ago, tens of thousands of salmon died in the Klamath River, a tragedy that was a pivotal moment for Native activists and underscored the environmental crisis facing the river. The dams along the river, which affected its flow and quality, are finally being dismantled after persistent efforts from Indigenous groups, especially the Yurok Tribe. While the dam removal represents progress, it is just one step towards restoring a severely compromised ecosystem impacted by various factors, including gold mining, logging, and climate change.
Black, Indigenous, and Muslim writers are named among the 2023 National Book Award finalists - ny times
The National Book Foundation announced the 25 finalists for this year’s National Book Awards, with winners to be named on November 15. The diverse range of nominated works includes Nana Kwame Adjei-Brenyah's dystopian novel about a for-profit prison system, Ned Blackhawk's examination of the role of Indigenous people in American history, and Huda Fahmy's graphic novel depicting a Muslim family's journey to Disney World. Notably, five of the finalists, including Adjei-Brenyah and Justin Torres, have received recognition from the National Book Foundation in previous years.
Playlist of the Week: Demon Baby 🎛️
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Your favorite capybara ~ AKA Travis Zane
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