Half Thoughts: Phrases on Sex, Self and Society
I published my first book! “Half Thoughts” is out on Amazon.
I am excited to share that my first book is out on Amazon here in the US, Mexico, the United Kingdom and beyond! Half Thoughts is a project I created over the past year as an experiment in poetry and prose. The book includes several poem separated into three sections—I: Sex, II: Society, III: Self)—each introduced by a work of prose. While I published an independent magazine back in 2018 (shoutout to all of the Revolukin OGs!), this marks the first project I’ve published under my own name.
Half Thoughts started as a parody of the poetic style that has become popular with the help of social media vehicles like TikTok and Instagram: short poems that read like simple thoughts spoken aloud, often with little room left for interpretation. A part of me wanted to make fun of the style while another part of me wanted to see what I could make of it (you can read more about the origin of the book in the last newsletter). In mimicking anything, though, we open ourselves up to becoming a part of the mockery itself, and so I will happily admit that while the book began as a pursuit of satire, it transformed into a pursuit of other expressions, too (morality, identity, queerness), which means that the poetic style I once made fun of also became a medium for my own voice, putting me into the same position as the poets who I once considered silly, eventually bringing me to realize that I was sillier making fun of those poets than I was doing as they did: attempting to express myself through art (which we are always better off with than without), all of which makes this book a work capable of being both laughed with and laughed at, depending on your level of discernment for the day.
Having been tapping away at my first novel for three years now, I found writing with the elementary rhythm of a simple thought to be a bit intoxicating: I could communicate what I wanted directly into verse with the flash of a few keystrokes, as opposed to a few thousand. It was as if I had suddenly discovered pre-made furniture from IKEA that I could assemble and arrange how I wanted, as opposed to chipping away at a block of wood or mound of clay for hours. First I wrote some stupid things, then I wrote some serious things, then I wrote some heartfelt things. The result of the book is an expression of my varied selves: part silly, part despairing, part hopeful—and every part of me is happy to share it with you.
I do not know if it is the simple act of holding a book with my name on it or having released something to the public that is, by all means, a vulnerable expression of myself, but I do know that I am very happy and proud of this little book. Though the contents are not perfect (I suspect nothing will be that we write ourselves), sharing it feels right. Sharing it reminds me that I am a writer who is learning how to write every single day. That writing—as with any form of art—is an expression of our becoming, of our existing, of our life, and if nobody buys or reads it, that is okay. We share it because it gives us joy. We share it because it is honest.
I chose to self-publish Half Thoughts without any attempt at finding a publisher in the first place. Although I self-taught myself into a creative career and every form of art that I know, the concept of self-publishing a book seemed scary, too near the cliff of cringe. Doing this was, in many ways, a risk-free way of experiencing self-publishing prior to doing so with a more “precious” project like a novel. While I still have dreams of working with a reputable publishing house in the future, self-publishing Half Thoughts has completely changed the way that I think about publishing—and being a writer at large.
Though I always felt an affinity for the self-publishing industry due to its DIY (and anti-corporate gatekeeping) culture, I had maintained my view of self-publishing as the last alternative for a real writer due to the vanity concerns most artists have. I considered writers published by Penguin or listed on the “NY Times Best Sellers” list as legitimate and self-published ones as amateur, and no writer wants to be amateur, for perfectionism is a plague that bothers us all. We fear not only that our work needs to be perfect, but that we need to be perfect, too. We need to be celebrated by the right people, recognized by the right institutions and supported by the right names. We want to be seen as the prize-winning author, not witnessed as the indie author sharing their work without a spotlight to amplify it.
Self-publishing Half Thoughts has made me realize that the most powerful thing a writer can do for themselves is not win a book deal, but allow themselves to create and share. The sheer power that a self-published author has is what every writer dreams of: you have an idea, you make it, you share it. You do not need to wait, court agents or send a hundred unanswered queries. Or better yet: You can do that (I very likely will do that) with the grounding knowledge that there is always another option: to create the things that we want to create and share them as they are.
For many, self-publishing is a no-brainer decision: better profit-margins, IP ownership, authentic connections to readers. I recommend it, though, not for its comparative benefits over traditional publishing but for its ability to instill in a writer the confidence that most of us lack. Giving ourselves the permission to create something and publish it allows us to take responsibility for the artists that we are: to notice them, to nurture them, to show up for them (as them). It reminds us that what makes us artists is not what we receive, but what we share—the process of making and sharing is the core of any craft.
Self-publishing this book has given me a form of assurance I did not expect, one I barely knew I lacked. When I look at the book, I feel that I am a writer. I allow myself to live, walk and breathe as a writer. I am proud of the book, not because it is being read by thousands of people or generating passive income, but because it is a result of my authentic experience and the permission I gave myself to create. I am proud of it because it is imperfect—a representation of the writer that I am right now—and, I feel, the beginning of a longer journey. ☷
Thanks for reading Sleepover! In the spirit of accessibility, this newsletter will always be offered for free. Please consider a paid subscription if you’d like to support the things I create—with and beyond this project.
With love,
Your favorite capybara ☼ AKA Travis Zane
Join the party on: Instagram 🪩 TikTok 🪩 YouTube 🪩 Bluesky 🪩 X 🪩 Website
