A Sort-Of Preview to the Book I’m Writing: Part 1
A sneak-peek into the source material for my novel in progress — the first three diaries that inspired its creation (out of twelve).
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Over the past year I’ve been working on my first book. It’s a work of autofiction that narrates the “becoming” of a queer person, traversing the mental landscapes of internalized homophobia to the physical landscapes of the human body. As the year comes to a close, I feel a sense of urgency to make more progress in writing the novel.
Although the element of urgency and its pervasive nature is something I am working to release in my day to day life, I still half-believe that in moderation it can be motivating, as opposed to debilitating. Therefore, it is a loose goal of mine to reach a halfway point in the book by the end of the year, and this week I’ve been so focused on breaking through a block I’ve encountered in one of the chapters, where I find myself staring at the Google Docs page in a state of mental absence, that I began to search for re-inspiration in the source material: old diaries.
The book is loosely inspired by a series of diaries I started writing when I first came out and was attempting to have sex for the first time. That year I spent a lot of time trying to understand how to be a gay person, without any prior understanding of what that entailed. Since those initial diaries no longer exist online, and I am too buried in writing the book itself to give proper attention to some of the topics I want to tackle in this newsletter, I thought it’d be fun to share the diary entries over the next four weeks — up until the end of the month.
There are twelve entries total. I will share three of them at a time, meaning that this series will last until the new year. After that, I’ll resume the newsletter with a different topic each week, as I have in the past. Without further ado, here are some of my old diaries! I do not apologize for anything cringe:
A Sort-Of Preview to the Book I’m Writing: Part 1
I Don’t Know Anything (March 2018)
I don’t know anything. This is the tagline of my life right now: I truthfully, completely, honestly, holistically, do not know anything. I am writing this as I am sitting on the floor of my room eating a bag of White Cheddar puffs that rhyme with the word “Neatos.” Why? Because I just went to a club with my friends and danced my ass off—had a grand time—but also eye fucked several strangers from afar, hopelessly, like a maniac fad dieter looking at a piece of chocolate cake they have avoided for 10 years.
To put things simply: I am gay. I am queer. I am anything and everything under the sun, because I am a human being. When it comes down to the philosophically practical details, I believe anyone can fall in love with anyone. At least, I believe I can. I have fallen in love with my friends (as friends, not sexually, please dear friends: do not freak out, none of you are that attractive…JK I would have an orgy with all of you but you know what I’m saying). I have fallen in love with celebrities (as crushes and potential suitors, because I too am destined for celebrity success)—both male and female. I have fallen in love with dogs, pictures of sea otters, the coastline of Denmark, and the Brooklyn Bridge. You get the point. I am emotionally and physically attracted to humans and in love with the world at large. Every part of it. I think this is quite normal. At least, it should be.
ANYWAYS. Because I have always been attracted to the male sex does not mean I am a master cocksucker. In fact, I have no idea how to suck a cock. I am 23 years old and have never been properly intimate with men. I feel like I am 12 years old again, learning how to talk to girls (and learning how to not flee like a wild Pokemon when encountering girls). Except now it’s with boys. Men. I don’t know the difference.
Hence: This journal. After Googling “how to be gay,” “guide to being gay,” and “how to be gay reddit” and “guide to being gay reddit” with zero adequate search results, it seems like the only way to find out how to suck a cock (among many other necessary things) must be achieved through trial and error.
So, this is my confidant in this trial and error journey. Hopefully it will be of use to a future fellow who likely does not know anything, a journal for the journey to being gay, and anything else that comes along the way.
A Few Initial Questions (April 2018)
How do you show that you want the D? How can you tell if another guy is down to give his D?
How do you assume the receiving end of anal sex and not tragically sh*t while your partner is inside you?
Do I have to use Grindr? Because I am never going to. *Ever.
What is it like to be on the receiving end of sex and how do you even do that?
How do you even find time to swipe or shop for sex when you are a 20-something career hungry, time scarce crazy person?
How do you suck dick? How does it all fit inside of your mouth?
What if your jaw locks?
What is a “bottom” vs. “top”? Doesn’t it make more sense if “top” means the person getting f*cked because you sit on the D? Who defined these terms?
Why are “gay bars” mostly for gay men and not lesbians?
How do I make gay friends? Actually how do I make new friends as an adult?
Every old person tells every young person to fuck more, as if it is some common life mistake everyone makes. Okay, down. Where, who, how?
Why do people interested in the same sex have to “come out”? I was never hiding.
Can I meet gay men at straight bars or is that just a lost cause?
How do I become a Go-Go dancer? I mean I have the body for it.
How do I become a man slut? Is this a bad goal to have? Lawl actually I do not care.
Isn’t there supposed to be some popular Asian fetish? HELLO. I am right here people. Where are you all? I’ll make you sushi rice if you f*ck me.
How Do I Have Sex Right Now (April 2018)
I just went to a bar in Williamsburg called Freehold (not a specified gay bar) and saw around 20 future IMG models and 50 generally attractive men. “Saw” as in I stared at them blankly, and tracked their movements like an unstoppable robot in West World. Except, I was very stoppable. I was not even moving. I kind of just stood there.
I think someone ought to invent a device we can all wear or carry around, that allows us to instantly communicate whether or not we are down to fuck whenever we pass a stranger. And if there happens to be a match, the device exchanges our contact information. BRILLIANT right!? I should be working in tech. Or maybe I should just be twerking in some random guy’s bed. Not sure if this is creative genius or sexual frustration. Probably both.
Anywho, I am really wondering how people tell if other people are gay. Like, what if all of these attractive men don’t know I’m down for the D? That is downright devastating. Potentially the most devastating thing to take place in 2018. I have conjured a couple solutions.
At first I thought: Eureka! I’ll get a tatto on my cheek that says “down for the D”. But then I thought about how tattoos last forever and can always be seen. What if I’m invited to meditate with the Dalai Lama when I’m famous? I do not want the Dalai Lama’s D. Only his wisdom and compassion. As an alternative, I have been looking up necklaces to purchase that say “I’m gay”. Unfortunately, Amazon has a very slim selection, and they all look like they were made by fifth graders.
Though a fifth grade level is where I feel like I’m at, in terms of sexual intelligence. I don’t. Know anything. There should be a universal signal all men interested in other men both recognize and routinely exhibit, like how certain species of birds do a weird dance to win over their bird lovers. Like, maybe some weird handshake or arm flail. We could pucker our lips and jerk our head back and forth 5 times. Anything! Anything to help!
Someone should start a company modeled after LifeAlert called DickAlert, and whenever anyone needs assistance in showing they want another guy’s D, they can simply press their DickAlert necklace and POOF: Someone appears and yells “DAMN CHRISTOPHER YOU REALLY THIRSTY FOR THAT DICK”.
Help. I’ve fallen and I can’t get up. Help. I’m thirsty and I need the D.
The Capy Corner: My Favorite Things of the Week 🙂
Tell Me How It Ends: An Essay in Fourty Questions by Valeria Luiselli (Book) — This is a heavy-hearted read, but one that I urge everyone to add to their library for the sake of understanding the realities of the children who comprise one of the largest refugee crises in the world. The book is written by an interpreter who volunteers to translate the stories of child refugees seeking asylum in the United States, and is one of the most honest books I’ve read about the subject.
Farm-to-Table Produce Deliveries (Food) — I recently subscribed Mijael and I to Arca Tierra’s produce boxes, which cost 270 MXN for a week’s worth of vegetables for 2-3 people. I’ve visited the farm in Xochimilco twice now and love the organization and their sustainability practices. The veggies taste AMAZING and I’m so happy we subscribed! I recommend that everyone finds themselves a farm-to-table produce solution, as most cities have them (e.g. Misfits Market is in New York and other American cities). The taste difference between farm-to-table and store-to-table veggies is palpable, and it's often cheaper and more sustainable to buy directly from farms (or through a service like Misfits Market).
Studio Ghibli Lo-Fi (Playlist) — The older I become, the more excited I get about returning to my childhood roots: my dreams, my interests, and the things that made me feel warm on the inside. One of those things is Japanese culture, kawaii culture, and video game culture. As a longtime fan of Studio Ghibli films, I’ve become obsessed with this playlist that combines lo-fi music with the original Studio Ghibli soundtracks, a perfect background playlist for studying, working, or laying on the couch!
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With love,
Your favorite capybara ~ AKA Travis Zane
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